The Diary
by Bethsquirt
Summary: Abby kept a diary whilst stuck in the Cretaceous... *Spoilers for series 4.   One shot for now... I may write one more chapter that will probably be set in series 5.*


**Disclaimer: I sadly do not own anything to do with Primeval. *sadface***

**A/N: This is the first story I started writing, but I couldn't figure out how to sort it out so it got put to the bottom of things to do. It came from my thoughts about Abby's diary that she ends up throwing into the fire in s04e01 and why nothing ever gets said about it again. (I know she throws the whole thing in, but in this story she keeps some of it ;P ) I hope you enjoy this and review! **

_**Present Day:**_

She sat by the amber fire and stroked the diary with her thumbs. She picked up the small, brown, leather book carefully and kissed the cover gently.

"_I mean it, we gotta keep believing that right? We can't…can't lose faith." _ The truth was, she'd lost faith months ago. She was solely in survival mode now. She flipped the book open and started scanning through the pages but the book was too tattered and worn and half of the pages quickly fell to the floor in a heap. She sighed and stared at them before she started picking them up one by one. They seemed to be everywhere, covering the muddy floor and taunting her, too many pages to count. She picked the whole thing up in her frustration and threw them into the flickering fire in front of her. She sat back on her legs and cried. She covered her mouth with the back of her hand to try and quiet her sobs but to no avail. She had just destroyed one of the only things that was getting her through this awful time. She watched as the pages crumpled and turned ashen black in the midst of the flames before she was pulled out of her despair by Connor's frantic yelling of her name. She sniffed and tried to straighten herself out before getting up off the floor and running towards Connor's calls.

As she poured water over the burning fire to put it out she saw the leather binder of her book and several pages that had narrowly missed the fire and had been protected from the flames by a few small rocks. In her haste she picked them up and threw them into the bottom of her rucksack and carried on packing things on top.

"We have to move camp." She stated simply, rummaging around the small cave for any more items of importance to shove in her bag.

"We can't leave the anomaly site, what if it open's up again and we miss it?" Connor asked frantically.

"Spinosaurus' are territorial Connor. Now it knows we're here it'll be back. We have to go." She said, turning her back to Connor. Of course he knew that, he was the one who had told her in the first place. He was the one who had told her everything she knew about the place they were stuck in. Of course he knew that they were bloody territorial.

"No! Abby, we could be missing our only chance to get out of here!"

"What chance?" She asked angrily, turning around to face him. "We've been here a year Connor… A year. And nothing's happened. Just…face it. We're stuck here. Alone. Forever." She said sadly, seeing his shocked face at her small outburst.

"You're wrong." He stated, she nodded her head ever so slightly. She hoped she was wrong, of course she did, but she just couldn't bring herself to believe that anything would get them out of their situation. They had been here far too long already. "And we're not alone. We're together." He said softly, trying to reassure her. She looked at him again and then started packing more things into her bag, missing the hurt look that spread across Connor's features. She finished packing her foil blanket into the bag and then walked over to Connor, taking his hand in hers.

"If we stay here, that Spinosaurus will kill us. It's only a matter of time… Okay?" She said softly, waiting until he nodded his head to walk away, leaving Connor standing in the middle of their handcrafted shelter.

She made her way out of the cave ever so quietly and made sure that the Spinosaurus had well and truly gone. Once she had made sure she sat herself on a rock just outside the cave and sighed miserably. She rooted through her bag and pulled out the dirty leather book and the pages that were still collected inside of it. She opened it and saw the first page with all of the small lines littering the beige paper. She didn't need to count them, she already knew the number off by heart. 376 pencil lines were drawn on that page in front of her, 376 days they had been stuck in the Cretaceous. 10 of which Abby had been laying unconscious from eating a bad 'fruit', 4 of which they had been separated and Abby had never felt more scared in her whole entire life, and 9 months since she had first told Connor that she loved him. Those 9 months should have been some of the happier months in her life, but they were filled with fear and despair even more than love and peace. More than a year, and no one had been to find them. Maybe they had given up hope on them, just as she had given up hope on ever getting home…

_**9 Months earlier: **_

"D'ya think it'll be alright?" Abby asked cautiously as Connor hit his stick hard down onto the rocks, seeing if any were going to come loose.

"It should be fine! C'mon, we need a new place to have a bath don't we Abs?" He said as he started making his way down the little hill of rocks to a small but very secluded and private lake.

"Hardly a bath." she mumbled as she obediently followed after him down the hill. "Needs to be hot to be a bath Conn."

"Nonsense, cold one will keep you alert and awake anyways. Don't want you being dinosaur dinner do we eh?" He said cheerily as he held out his hand for Abby to hold onto as she neared the foot of the hill. She smiled at him lightly as they walked to the edge of the water.

"Hmm, I s'pose you're right." She mused as she looked down into the water. The water wasn't still, there was a small waterfall at the far end gushing crystal blue water into the lake. The lake wasn't huge, but it wasn't tiny either, small rocks decorated the edge and the lake was hidden slightly, you had to step over the rocks and there was a slight slope before the water started. The grass on the outside of the rocks looked a lot more healthy than any of the grass she had seen yet. The water was a dazzling blue and looked beautiful. The hill's surrounding it made it quite secluded but a bit harder to look out for predators. She didn't mind though, if they could get a few minutes here, on their own, it would be fine. It looked beautiful and peaceful, and then she remembered where she was. In the middle of the cold, wet, Cretaceous, not on holiday in a lovely warm country with a gorgeous pool in front of her feet. She sighed sadly and Connor held her hand a squeezed it comfortingly. A small shiver went down her spine. He was always trying to make her feel better, even when he was at his lowest points. She gave him a small smile which he returned.

"So, you dipping first or me?" He asked, nudging her shoulder in a friendly gesture. A small breeze passed Abby making her shiver.

"You go. I'm too cold at the moment." She said, dropping his hand and walking over to a tree with fallen logs under it.

"Fine then, all this lovely water and it's all for me!" He said happily as she sat down, giving a small laugh. It felt good to laugh for once. "You'll be kicking yourself if it's heated and I get to spend ages in 'ere" He said mockingly as he placed his bag on the floor. The first time they had bathed they both got in at the same time, but soon enough found how dangerous that plan was when they were nearly raptor bait. Abby laughed at him as she sat down on the logs, turning her back to him to give him some form of privacy as he stripped. Their friendship had been made so strong since they had been stranded here but they hadn't mentioned once what had happened at the racecourse. The kiss they had shared was amazing, but had left Abby feeling ten times more insecure about their relationship and how it could jeopardize their wonderful friendship. She had strong feelings for Connor, she knew deep down she did, but she was scared. Not of him of course, but of the whole relationship thing. They were no good as far as Abby was concerned. But she couldn't keep holding these feelings back at bay for much longer. She knew she was hurting him more and more as the weeks went by. She decided to joke with him, make him feel happy for once instead of him doing the cheering up.

"If it's heated then you can count on me getting in there with you!" She shouted to him cheerily. She didn't get a reply and assumed he had gotten in the pool and hadn't heard her but when she turned around he was no where to be seen. She felt her heart rise so high that she thought she might throw it up any second. Her stomach lurched and she scrambled to get off the log and run to where he had last been standing. His bag was on the floor and so was his jacket but no other clothes. The rocks around the area had been kicked about a lot. Abby's heart was racing and her mind was focused on just getting Connor back. She bent over the side to look more into the pool and she saw a horrifying sight. Connor was lying face down in the lake. She felt like screaming, and she waded into the pool and turned him over. Blood poured from a cut on his temple and she let out a strangled cry. She hooked her hands under his arms and heaved him up out of the lake. She lay him on the grass and checked his pulse. He had one! He was still alive.

"Please God don't let him die." She begged as she put her hand over his face to feel if he was breathing okay, which thankfully he was. She wiped the sleeve of her jacket over the blood pouring down his face but the left the wound untouched. Their shelter wasn't far from where they were now, but she knew she wouldn't be able to drag him over the hill so they would have to go the longer way. She hauled both of their bags over her shoulders, tied his jacket around her small waist and started dragging him back to their 'home'. She stopped several times, propping him up against a nearby tree to check that he was still with her and try to wake him up but with no use. His cut stopped bleeding, which was a good sign, but his face was still covered in dry blood that made Abby feel sick. They got back to the shelter in what Abby thought was about 20 minutes, with thankfully no creatures following them. She pulled him to the makeshift bed, made sure he was still breathing and then cried some more.

She sat next to him, near the fire for 2 days solid, eating a few nuts and berries they had found and drinking hardly anything. She didn't venture back outside the cave once. She sat and wrote in her diary most of the time. She sketched the lake from memory and wrote what trees and plants were around there. She used a tally chart to count the number of days that they were trapped. Connor had sat with her on most nights telling her all the facts and details about every creature he could think about that they might come across during there time here. Abby found herself deeply missing the nights where they would just talk to each other about nothing in particular. She felt so scared being alone right now. She re read all of the creature fact files she had wrote about, several times, keeping her knowledge of the dinosaurs alive if Connor wasn't there to tell her. But then again, if Connor didn't wake up, she doubted very much that she would ever make it home. She wouldn't continue onwards without Connor. She wrote page after page about her feelings for Connor and how she wanted to go home, just so that he could move back into the flat again. Just how it should've been. She couldn't fight any longer, she knew that she loved him and she dreaded him never waking up, never knowing that she loved him. On the third day of being alone Abby broke down. She couldn't seem to stop the tears that flowed down her mud stained cheeks and she felt lethargic and just downright awful. She sat in a curled up position next to Connor for most of the day until she heard a noise that she had feared she might never hear again.

"Ow." Connor muttered, wincing as he opened his eyes. Abby cried even more and sat forwards onto her knees looking over Connor.

"Don't EVER do that to me again! Idiot!" She yelled through her tears hitting him on the chest and arms repeatedly. He caught her tiny fists in his hands and forced himself to sit up slowly. He looked at Abby confused as she sat there in front of him crying her eyes out and he pulled her to him in a warm embrace. Abby clutched onto his jacket when he let her hands go and she sobbed into his chest. "I thought you were dead! You can't leave me here alone! You can't!" She shouted in between her sobs. Connor just held her and rocked her.

"I'm not going to leave you Abby. Tell me what happened." He whispered and kissed her hair.

"You fell, in the water. I thought… I thought you drowned." She cried. "You can't leave me here, not now. I love you." She sobbed and Connor froze. She felt him tense, she hadn't meant to tell him like this, not when she was in such a mess and he'd only just woken up. She pulled away from him slightly and looked in his dark chocolate eyes. He looked shocked and she was worried she'd ruined any chance she had ever had.

"I'm sorry." She whispered, going to move away. She was stopped by Connor's hand reaching out and cupping her face, his calloused thumb tracing over her cheeks gently wiping away her tears. She let out a shaky breath and Connor moved closer.

"You love me?" He asked carefully, not moving his hand from her face. She nodded shyly and cried a few more tears. "Hey, stop crying!" He said as he pulled her into his embrace again. "I'm sorry for scarin' ya. Won't happen again. You won't get rid of me that easily." He whispered with a small chuckle, "I love you too." He whispered into her ear. They both sat there, next to the fire until Connor lay Abby down onto the bed and told her to get some rest. He placed a chaste kiss onto her lips and she savoured every single second of it. She closed her eyes and let the sleep overcome her body and mind, easily for the first time in 3 days.

_**Present day: **_

The anomaly was there! Right in front of their eyes, a great big ball of flickering colours and lights and it was here for them. She heard Connor let out a shaky laugh that was quickly swallowed down by fear when another Spinosaurus came around the corner. They hid behind another tree. Abby was furious.

"I don't care where that anomaly leads. I'm gunna go through it." She stated, turning her head to see Connor looking straight back at her. She would accept her fate, whatever it may end up being, but she couldn't just sit back and watch as the anomaly faded back into non-existence. She pulled out the foil blanket from her bag and turned once more to Connor who looked slightly confused. "I've got an idea." She said simply before running off, hearing the panicked shouts from Connor. She ran as fast as she could, taunting the raptor that had followed her with her blanket. She jumped over the fallen log and hid as the smaller dinosaur was attacked by the spinosaurus. She felt Connor appear at her side and then they ran, ran straight through the glowing ball in mid air. She felt the temperature change almost immediately as she came to a halt in the new world. She spun round. Buildings, roads, cars, streetlights. "Are we home?" She asked… turning to face Connor. "Connor.. Are we back?" Their questions were answered when the black SUV's pulled up in front of them and they were finally greeted by Captain Becker. Abby felt so much relief at that one moment that she could have sworn she was dreaming and she would wake up back in the hell they had just come back from.

"We did it! YES!" Connor shouted happily and Abby jumped into his arms. They laughed and hugged each other tightly. They were finally home.

Instead of being in a nice warm building with a hot shower and soap and food and comfy beds, she was running through the chairs of an arena with a Spinosaurus minutes away from killing Connor and possibly other people too. It was supposed to be safe here! She thought angrily as she ran down the steps and came to a halt at the music and lights station. Maybe if Connor had just let them do their jobs they wouldn't be stuck in this situation right now! His anomaly opener had failed and the anomaly didn't close, letting a Spinosaurus through. She flicked switches, pressed buttons and turned dials doing anything that might help in any way to distract the beast. Just as the Spinosaurus was nearing on Connor the sound system finally kicked in and loud music and flashing lights blared through the arena, confusing the dinosaur and leaving the new leader, Matt, with enough time to grab Connor and haul him up into the air. Abby ran to the balcony and leaned her hands on it, giving a sigh of relief when the soldiers shot the creature and it collapsed to the floor. Then the line jammed and Matt and Connor stopped moving. And then the creature woke up. How much bad luck could be thrown at her today? She screamed No! and hit her hands against the railing as the creature stood up, nearing Connor again. Matt was shouting at Connor to let go of the anomaly device and grab him with both hands. Connor eventually gave up his battle and dropped the anomaly device, which fell into the creatures open jaws. The anomaly everyone had been waiting for opened inside the dinosaur and then closed quickly, taking the creature with it. Abby felt herself sigh with relief and let out a shaky laugh when she heard Connor asking about where he could get a coffee.

The new ARC was totally different from what she remembered. Everything was more high-tech, brand new and even the people seemed different. Lester strolled out of his office and made his first sarcastic comment that Abby had missed so much and she walked over to him quickly and gave him a hug, which he returned ever so awkwardly. They were introduced to the new field coordinator Jess, she seemed lovely enough, but very young for this job Abby thought to herself.

"Where's Sarah?" Abby asked, and looked around the group to see everyone's sad, awkward glances at each other. Abby bowed her head. She knew what that look meant, she'd seen it far too often. Philip Burton introduced himself, the new part owner of the ARC, and Abby looked on awkwardly as Connor praised Philip for things Abby didn't understand. They were ushered into Lester's office after the introductions had been held and Abby paced the room.

"I'm sorry, but when the ARC was reorganised the decision was taken to select operational staff with military background. Frontline is just no place for amateurs." Philip Burton told them when they stepped into Lester's office. Abby stopped walking and glared at Burton.

"Amateurs. Us?" Abby asked in frustration, pacing the room again.

"Perhaps it was the wrong word." Philip muttered quietly to himself.

"Don't tell me you agreed to this?" Connor asked Lester sadly.

"It was my idea." He told him after a pause. Abby let out a sigh and looked towards Connor and then back to Lester.

"Take some personal time, rest, use the company apartment for a few days. When you come back we'll discuss something away from the firing line." Burton said calmly. Abby couldn't think straight. Connor was shouting at them both, something about Cutter's work. Abby couldn't pay attention properly. Her head was spinning, too much had happened for one day. She moved closer to Connor's side, seeking comfort but only finding stress and tension.

"It's for your own good Connor." Lester said solemnly.

"Is it?" Abby asked angrily. How could they even consider firing them after the year they'd just been through. They had just been through hell and they come back to this? It wasn't fair at all. They were escorted to the company apartment after their talk with Burton and Lester and then they were finally alone.

The apartment was white… Too white. The carpets were immaculately clean and Abby felt ashamed when she left dirty footprints on it. She took the first shower and then waited whilst Connor had his. They wandered around the flat aimlessly, not saying a word until they both headed for the bedroom. The bed looked extremely comfortable and clean again, just like everything else in the apartment, and yet it felt so weird after lying on a muddy floor for a year. They lay side by side, facing each other and holding hands. They whispered to each other, feeling as if they still had to be quiet in case of any predators hearing them. It wasn't as easy as she had thought it would be, going to sleep on the first night back. She slept for a few hours but woke up several times from her thoughts and feelings overpowering her mind. The bed was comfy, and Connor was alive, next to her, sleeping peacefully but she couldn't drift off again. She looked out of the window that lead out onto the balcony and saw that the sun was just beginning to rise. She quietly and carefully got out of the bed, trying her hardest to not wake Connor. She was about to open the door when she saw it. The diary, resting on the small armchair. She had forgotten to put it away. She picked it up quietly and took it outside with her. She opened the leather binder and flicked through the small number of pages that were left. It wasn't of any use to her anymore. Pictures of various animals she could maybe use if they ever got re-hired in the ARC, but most of them had been destroyed. She sighed, turning the pages gently and paused as she read the words she had written on the last page that was left.

"_He nearly died today. I can't deal with this on my own. He can't die without knowing I love him."_

Abby felt her tears welling up in her eyes as she remembered that awful day and she ripped the page out of the book angrily and tore it into little shreds. She flicked through the book finding any other useless pages and ripping them up until all she was left with was the animal sketched, plant information and a few notes about the time they were in. The page she was holding in her hand at the moment had the lines on it. All 376 lines on it. She looked back at the page to see it get wet and smudged from the tears she hadn't realised she had been crying. She sniffed and ripped this page up as well. She put the nearly empty diary on the chair. The pages she had ripped up were gathered in one hand and she walked over to the edge of the balcony. She didn't need the bad memories. She needed new memories, of her and Connor's times now. Back home. Not in that hell. She threw the shredded paper over the edge in her frustration and watched as the gentle breeze caught hold of them and made them drift slowly to the floor. She wiped at her tears and felt somewhat renewed. She lay her arms onto the railing and watched as the city below her grew more and more active as the sun slowly rose in the backdrop. She stayed like that until Connor came out to her.

"You're up early."

"Hi.." She replied… looking back over the city.

"You keeping watch?" he asked her gently.

"Still feels like one of us has to keep guard." She answered, smiling up at him as he nodded his head.

"Yeah…" He replied, as they both looked over the waking city. "Why don't I take the next shift, you get some rest." he said to her as she turned to look up at him.

"I'm happy here with you." She said, smiling slightly at him. He smiled down at her and then bent his head to catch her lips with his. She rested her head against his chest as he circled her with his arms. That was the truth, she was happy here with him and now they were home, where it was safe, nothing could ever come between them…

**End… **

**(Maybe)**

**A/N: Please review **


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